brostradamus, the man

My tip to the alt report got published to hro: I am the alt behind the meme

Sometimes I wonder ‘what the fuck am I doin with my life’?  Recently I was housesitting for my Aunt, takin her kids to school/extracurriculars while her & my uncle are on vacation.  OUt in the suburbs.  Feel so beaten down by lameness.  Had hopes that I would spend mad time findin buzzworthy mp3s for my ‘webblog’ [via not havin my musical instruments/friends that wanna get drunk to distract me].  Maybe even write some songs.  But by day 2 of gettin up hella early/bein stuck in this middle/upper-middle class house I had nearly lost the will to buzz/blog/meme/facebook/tweet/tumbl.  The hours wasted clicking shortened url after shortened url, countless “mediafire” searches, etc…you wonder what it’s all about then something like this happens link.

thinkin about invitin Carles to gchat yall

Then u realize that u r a ‘vital node’ in the vast network of alternative subculture.  U finally have some validation that u r capable of generating memes/buzzes/tastes and not simply just consuming.

Kinda stoked about this whole thing because I really feel like it made Carles ‘bring his A-game’ [via not bein able 2 rip me off outright].  I didn’t mention it but, not only did I submit a tip, I wrote a whole article.  It basically sucked in comparison to what ‘Carles’ actually wrote.  Feel like I contributed though [via poorly articulating poignant themes of alternative subculture, inspiring the ‘end-product’ to contain some of the best irony on hro in a while].

Neways, here is an excerpt (with recent edits) of some of the bull shit I wrote.  I did originally have some Shaun White reference.  But feel ashamed in retrospect [via that kind of shit appealing to the lowest common denominator / not bein funny at all when u think about it [via Jack White = Danzing, David Blaine = Broken Bells bro, Alice Glass = Some non Alice Glass chick]]

<3 azamalt baguettov

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OMG wtf is this?  Traffic?  It’s never backed up this bad.  Good thing I got this mix CD which burned off my iTunes with all my fave relevant cool dad bands [via Mumford and Sons]

Just gonna chill…

Ok, I see nothin but empty road ahead of that police car.  Looks like some1 wrecked. hope they r alright…I’m at the front now and,

WHAT THE HELL?

Look at these effing hipsters, blocking off the whole goddamn 101.  Do they really think this is the way 2 ‘get their brand out’?

Even the brobags watchin this on the Youtubes aren’t laughin [via being able 2 relate, h8’ing bein stuck in traffic, wishin a helicopter would come by and just ‘airlift these assholes’ outta the way]

Effing hipsters, when will they learn?

Oh, apparently these guys are called Imperial Stars.  Not goin N e where, may as well seach the infowebs about them on my iPhone 4[via bein able 2 afford 1 [via gainful employment]]

So, tryin to raise awareness about homelessness thru music.  Seems kinda alt.  Too bad that the front man is a ginger, so no 1 will ever support their vision.  Or they will but in an ironic post-anti-MIA kind of way.  But this is hella unchill.  Srsly yall r makin me start to like homelessness.  Feel like some hobo needs to knife this bro to protect the homeless brand

Do u think this video will ‘go viral’?

Is this a gr8 idea for getting noticed or are these bros ‘fucking dicks’?

Is ‘hipster bashing’ still relevant?

R u tired of the word hipster bein used 4 bros/brands/bands that totes aren’t effing hipsters? [link: ice cream bro hits dancing blipster, kills him]

Who is the number 1 ‘cool dad’ band?

Would u rather chill on the highway & listen 2 bros talk about ‘social responsibility’ or watch “Mad Men” on ur plasma in the subbies?

What’s ur fave Chili’s appetizer

How would u feel if you finally get to the front of a traffic jam and find out that shit is intentional [via not construction or a wreck]?

How ironic is your t-shirt collection?

Well folks recently it was Sep 11th and I wore the most ironic t-shirt I have in my collection for two reasons.  One, it was clean.  Two, I just ‘wasnt feelin’ any of the other shirts in my wardrobe.  But it got me thinking .o(is there a hierarchy of irony when it comes to t-shirts?)  The other thing that prompted me to answer this question is some convo on the facebooks where some dude bro used the word “ironic” as synonymous with “coincident”.  So to answer this question we’ll be looking at a good sample of t-shirts with a range of ironic value…my own collection.  For units, we’ll be using Standard Alanis Morisettes or SAMs.

Let’s start off with the least ironic. 0 SAMs

Not really sure what this shirt ever meant.  I just bought it because of the color and the fit.  Which ironically, I didn’t actually try it on, just kinda eyeballed it and assumed it would fit but turned out to be too tight.  Hm, perhaps I underestimated it’s ironic value.

Here are some examples of the simplest instances of irony. 1 SAM

Not sure what the term for this is.  The “places” shirt?  Similar to the played out “Virginia is for Lovers” or “Fuck yall were from Texas” variety, assuming you live in neither of those states.  I’ve never been to ‘Tiny Town, CO’ but I did have someone try to engage me in conversation with the vague “You ever been there?”  Of course, I never even read what my shirt said, once again just bought it for the color.  So I said “huh/where?”  Note, I didn’t literally say “huh slash where?”

Now we start to get into deeper ironic territory.  2 SAMs

Apparently some time after I was finished with elementary, schools started this “No TV week” in effort to combat the nationwide childhood obesity/diabetes epidemic.  The only TV I ever watch is in bars.  I do have a 27” TV though.  The whole purpose of having it was to watch DVDs, which I also rarely do.

Deeper and deeper, at this ‘level’ the bad vibes being sent by mnstrmrs begin to intensify and cause more harm to our personal brands [via inception]
3 SAMs

I was actually kicked out of band in, either 5th or 6th grade, don’t really remember.  In my school district middle school started in 7th grade, and I didn’t try to rejoin band.  Why did I get kicked out?  Basically I got tired of lugging that fucking baritone to/fro school everyday on that ghey dolly.  So I just kept acting like a dickhead until the conductor made me sit with the other dickheads, cause ‘bein a dickhead is cool.’

The next level, bad vibes send us into a temporary existential quandry. 4-5 SAMs

This is kind of a double (tripple?) whammy.  I’ve never been/don’t even know where ‘green forest’ is, I’m an atheist/agnostic/whatever/dont give a fuck/what good does it do me to know anyways, and I hate sports.  You score even more points if you were raised in and still practice some other religion/no religion.

The final level.  Any bad vibes will cause you to rethink your personal brand and cause you to go mainstream.
5-6 SAMs

Don’t think you can read what the shirt says, but it doesn’t matter.  There’s a bald eagle crying, an Am Flaggy, and what appears to be a chimney in the middle of an Adobe village.  Perhaps it represents a civilization that burns peat to turn some kind of turbine & provide power to the village.  The ironic value of course increases depending on the date.

Finally, as a bonus here is an unranked shirt for yall to discuss the possible ironic value/instances in which it would be ironic.